A monk asked Yun Men, “How is it when the tree withers and the leaves fall?”
Yun Men said, “Body exposed in the golden wind.”
I am writing this after my first full day in my counseling practicum and only two days out from an expanding experience at the Integral European Conference. The conference was a rarified space where I could shed layers of defensiveness, fear and anxiety. I gazed into strangers’ eyes and allowed myself to be fully seen. I risked hard and awkward conversations. I participated in rituals that asked me to put my rational mind aside. I held and was held by people I had just met. My heart opened in a way that felt almost childlike.
This Zen story stood out to me today as I left for my practicum site at a recovery and addiction center. Beginnings are always full of possibility and nervous energy. What will it be like? Am I up to this? Will I like it?
Today I went to my site without my usual defenses that hide my heart from being hurt. My armor and thick skin that I have grown over my heart in the last couple years. I felt naked.
Yes, I felt vulnerable – but more than that – I felt open and receptive. I felt bare to the elements.
However, this did not feel scary – it made me feel alive. It is risky and daring to live without the normal defenses but it also opens us up to magic and love and a story that has not been written yet.
In the Zen Story – “body exposed” sounds terrible but how often do we fear exposure and hide ourselves and protect ourselves from the Golden Wind.
We build defenses to protect ourselves and we end up just building walls that keep encounter with the magic of the world and her people out. We shut ourselves out from love, intimacy and transformation.
The nakedness of living with an open heart and mind feels so risky. What if we get ridiculed? What if we get rejected?
Yet – this naked offering of ourselves is the only way we can ever be truly seen and received for who we are.
While I was at IEC I felt the slow melting of my frozen heart – the ability to let people in and connect with them as an animal, a human and a soul.
I could show up as myself – a rare gift.
This Zen story strangely reminds me of why I love the Christmas story so much. God, as Christ, comes to Earth as a tiny and defenseless baby. Naked, screaming, utterly dependent and guileless.
This is how God comes to us – asking for love, searching for connection, with nothing to give but Godself.
The Christ child comes vulnerable to a world where he is in danger. Yet he comes defenseless and seeking connection.
God comes to us in this vulnerable way and models the utter need we have for one another, the power of presence and the grace of interdependence. Christ continues to practice this receptive posture – open to encounter with Life. He risked everything by being present to all those around him and in doing so found himself naked and on a tree. Yet this same openness and pure Love led him into the golden light of transforming relationship and resurrection.
I know that as I get more into my placement and back into my real life that I will slowly build up these walls. I hope to keep practicing heart opening, and risking being seen with others. I hope to lean toward connectedness and intimacy.
One of the ways that I am doing that more and more is by getting in touch with my Inner Child. The part of me that cannot help but be herself. The part of my that shows up and plays with others in glee and with abandon.
The part of me that does not fear rejection and is irrepressibly daring by just showing up as who she is.
The girl who will reach out for a hand when she wants to connect or dance when she feels like it.
To show up – naked, open and utterly human in the hopes that I too can find myself in the Golden Wind.
Inner Child Practices:
1. Locate your Inner Child (you can locate them at any age that calls to you) and holding out your hand imagine this child in your hands. Talk to them. Ask – What is it that you want for me? What do you need? What gifts do you bring me? Have any discussing that you need to have. Offer them love and protection and compassion. Slowly bring your hands to your heart and accept the child into your heart.
2. Small Group Practice: To get in touch with your inner child: Draw a picture of yourself at 6 with your non-dominant hand. Then take turns telling your small group about the following:
- Your favorite game as a child
- Your favorite place as a child
- An adventure you took as a child.
As your group listens – they can write down one or two words that describe your Inner Child. Then share with your group.
3. With a Partner: If you have a partner or friend who is safe – try this Deep Gazing exercise. To model the unconditional love and attention children need as babies –
Sitting on the floor or a couch – place your head in your partner’s lap. Let them hold your head and pet your hair while gazing at you with nurturing attention and unconditional love. Gaze back at them – feel free to close your eyes and open them for as much of the time as you want. Then switch.
If this is too much – this exercise can be done just holding hands as well.