It's New Years - this time of year can be tricky for anyone in eating disorder recovery. This time of the year much like the nebulous "bikini body season" is a time where people are encouraged to
- talk shit about their bodies
- talk about all the toxic foods they are no longer eating
- pretend that if they are going to lose weight - this means everyone wants to.
As a person who is actively NOT dieting (hopefully ever again) - this is a fraught time. So this is my project. I am going to eat this year and with gusto.
I am going to drink and explore the world glass by glass.
I have no idea what kind of project this will be or what shape it will take or if anyone will read this. I am doing this because I am about to be thirty and I can't keep waiting any longer. Waiting until I am thin enough or pretty enough or perfect enough to be allowed to enjoy my body and my life.
I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for a while and I am in an amazing and hopeful place. I heard from a mentor once that you often need something to take the place of your obsession - that once you can refrain from behaviors - you don't truly heal until you love something more than the disorder and the obsession.
It has been thirteen years in my self destructive love affair. That is horrible to admit. But it is true.
As a part of my recovery - I decided to lay my eating disorder at the feet of Jesus...well I wanted to do something dramatic and significant. I decided to walk the Camino De Santiago alone to symbolically give up the disorder and the dieting and the obsession once and for all (again after a lot of therapy and work). I thought that it would be a time of religious discernment and that I would see the next step clearly after.
Well God in her minxy way - showed me a next step but it wasn't one I planned on. In Spain - I found myself in love with wine. We would walk through wine country and vineyards by day and at night we would taste the most amazing wine - made often by the families of the barkeeps.
For the first time - wine wasn't alcohol or calories - it was a living thing grown from specific earth by specific people. It was tradition and geography and an amazing story.
I learned how to savor and taste and enjoy without guilt. That's not even right - the absence of guilt is important - but the sensory pleasure of enjoying what was there was beguiling.
I have found myself in love. With wine. With my body that allows me to taste and discover and explore.
So 2017 is about living fully. I hope to use this blog to write about wine and it's traditions and cultures as well as delve into embodiment, body diversity and body positivity.
This space is about claiming space fearlessly and living a lush and big life.
Here is to a year with my heart, my belly and my glass all full!